Sunday, 1 April 2007

Enough Already

Thank you for the messages of sympathy left on the last couple of blog entries. I would say that surely not much else can go wrong - but considering my grandmother has now fallen over and broken her shoulder in the hospital bathroom, I'm not hopeful that this dark cloud is moving off just yet. I just feel so helpless.

Even so, life goes on. I kept CRONing all last week, with calories a bit lower than usual, so I now know that my weight drops like a hot potato when I go under a 1000 cals a day. At one point the scales were on 112lbs, but not for long - and this weekend gone was a Stratford one, so my eating has not been as great as it could be and I imagine that will show... but do I care? Yes/No/Yes/No... *sigh* I really don't know. Yes and no.

P has been making comments about me eating the bare minimum I need to get along, and how I am looking at food just for the "drugs that are in it" and not enjoying the pleasure of eating for eating's sake. True enough, I guess. I'm feeling low enough right now to wonder if CRON is another box I have locked myself into to validate my issues around food... I just don't know.

Poor P. I was totally out of whack yesterday because I ate cereal and toast at breakfast (second breakfast, actually, I'd had my yoghurt and LLBY and gojis and nuts and seeds when I woke up, hours before he did), and I was just shaky and horrible on empty carb overload, and I needed to eat again when he didn't... He puts up with so much, but I think even his tolerance would reach its limits if I had responded to his question "What do you need?" with "Well, actually darling, I need 250g spinach, 200g mushrooms, 7g LLBY and a teaspoon of flax oil with 15g almonds and 6g walnuts to balance my Omegas; oh, and some hard-boiled eggwhites would be nice too..." - and who can blame him?!

I just really do hope that I am not doing damage to myself in attempting to do exactly the reverse.

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