Thursday, 20 September 2007


I defeated myself yesterday at lunchtime with my own Big Salad and had to nap for a couple of hours to recover and digest, like a boa constrictor with a particularly large mouse. Ow. I defy anyone on CR to eat the piles of veggies that I have to in order to get my RDA's and be hungry. It is simply not possible.

I don't learn either, because I've just done it again in the office (with leaves and spinach and leftover baked veggies that needed eating) and now face an afternoon of sitting at my desk feeling fuller than full.

I need to make meal plans that pack the nutritional punch I need into a much smaller volume, I think. I love Christina's new Daily Bento blog - such prettiness and fun - but I'm pretty sure that I'd have trouble meeting my nutritional requirements if I attempted to do the veggie equivalent. I need to eat so many green leafies.

Again, not entirely sure where I've been with calories this week. My best laid plans have often gone awry with being invited to eat at friends' houses in the evenings, but I'm trying not to fret too much about it. The world will not end if I don't have a complete CoM report at the end of each day, after all. I know I am at least 90% there every day. And I don't eat junk; never have.

Lifewise, Paz's comment on my last post was spot-on. I am totally dissatisfied with my job - envious of Robin and Deborah at the moment... :-) The worst of it is that I don't know how to get out. I really do not want to move to another programming job, and in fact my skills have atrophied so badly this year that it wouldn't be possible anyway. But my CV is totally IT orientated. I have no other experience to offer an employer in another industry; if I can't set up my own deli or wine bar, I'd like to try something a lot more creative, or even project management, but I can't see that anyone would even give me a chance to start without relevant experience, without contacts. Added to that the need to maintain the flexibility that lets me spend time with P in London, and the need not to be a financial drain on our partnership, and the whole mix becomes incredibly complicated. It's all so huge and it daunts me. I am mired in the how, how, how, and I just can't see the way to move beyond that. It's really frustrating; seemingly impossible alchemy to transform this to something golden.


April said...

Ah, the urge to start the wine and tomato bar.

I know it well. We'd make so much money as cocktail waitresses at our own wine bar.

A girl can dream!


miss m said...

Re: work. I just had a one-on-one session with this lady ( earlier in the week, and it was surprisingly illuminating - gave me a lot of ideas of how to actually approach getting the job I want with the CV I have, rather than fretting about it. Definitely time and money well spent... maybe you should seek out something similar?

Sara said...

Thanks Miss M. I had been thinking of locating someone similar - this might be a good place to start.

miss m said...

Cheers for the donation!

magallanica said...

Dearest Sara,

Why don't you just hold on to the clarity of your longing to change and trust the path will unfold for you?

Think about this like giving birth, like a complicated but worthwhile labor of your renewed self.

Recalling your metaphor of the boa that ate the big mouse, I can find another more accurate: a snake needs to shed its old skin in order to survive.

Wake up in the morning and visualize the life you want, the centered Sara you feel lost and miss so much. Don't care about the how. If you focus on the want it will be revealed. By anyone, by strangers, by loved ones, by random events and serendipitous encounters.

Try to live moment-to-moment full experiences. What you are looking for is looking for you.

Watch out for unexpected gifts.
They are attracted to the bursting sense of fullness and 'too much' we mistake for a felt sense of emptiness.

And remember that a woman's confidence to act on or manifest material things in the world takes some time to recover after the death of her father. Something quite subtle and symbolic but true.
It happened to me when I lost mine. I suddenly felt stuck and weak and unprotected.
It helped a lot to lift weights and to leap, no matter the fear, regardless the circumstances.
I used to receive a lot of his dream-visits then. Now his voice is so supportive when I'm struggling and I hear it so clearly in my mind.

Give yourself credit for the tiniest little choice you make.
And love. All the love you can.

With much warmth and comfort blessings,


Sara said...

Your words are wise and very much appreciated. Thank you. I am back home now, with the peace and quiet I need to be able to concentrate. Miss M's advice may very well be one of the things I need to heed because it is logical and immediately achievable, but I am open to everything else. :-) I envy you your serenity.

April said...


Thank you so much for your kind comments about Philomena. I cried and cried when your baby passed away... she looked so much like Philo, and sounded like such an angel! She is lucky to have spent a happy kitty lifetime with you. I'm sure she's looking down at us from kitty heaven (which I definitely believe in) and wishing she could have sampled some of the yummy treats at your wedding reception!

And someday, all too soon I'm sure but hopefully as far away as possible, she'll greet Philo in the world beyond, and they can share a lovely filet of divine salmon!

love a

Sara said...

P commissioned pint glasses for the wedding engraved with our names, the date, and a picture of the Tigs looking as grumpy and sulky as possible. So she definitely there in spirit in more ways than one!

You will know when it's time to let Philo go. Hopefully not for a good long while yet. I thought Tigsy was going to go for about a year before she actually did. She obviously wanted another winter spent cuddling with furry blankets and hot water bottles. Did I ever post that picture of her sleeping in my bed?

Christina said...

What!? My name on Sara's blog? Thank you for the mention! ;)

Someone should invent a Big Salad sized bento box! Just as cute and pretty as the petite ones, but appropriate for CR quantities of greens. Maybe the Hello Kitty people would be interested in this idea? Hmm....